The Katherine Index (Easter Edition)

The only part of Harper’s Magazine I ever seem to get around to reading is the index. It is informative, funny, and short. I thought about what I would be like, if I were an index:

Number of pastel Rolos I ate while walking from the drug store to the toy store: 9
Number of times I grazed something with the stroller wheel while trying to unwrap a Rolo: 2
Number of mini bunnies advertised to be in a bag of Russell Stover mini bunnies: 60
Actual number: 69
Average age of research assistants in bunny counting project: 2.5
Margin of error: large
Number of dozens of eggs dyed by our family: 2
Average time spent decorating each egg when doing this with a 4-year-old boy: 11 seconds
Number of hard-boiled eggs we consumed on Easter Eve: 7
Karl’s pre-Easter cholesterol level: 211
Number of eggs hidden in our apartment by the Easter Bunny: 10
Number of eggs found in our apartment by our son: we are pretty sure 10, but it was hard to keep track
Number of hours after waking that the 4-year-old ate nothing but candy: 4
Approximate number of peep-themed hats we saw at the Easter Parade: 6
Approximate number of peep-show-themed costumes we saw: 1
Price of a pretzel in Midtown: $3
Price of a pretzel in Brooklyn Heights: $2
Price of a pretzel in Downtown Brooklyn: $1
Number of days until Halloween: 213

Shimek.

Bohumil Shimek, in case you haven’t heard of him, was a botanist from Iowa who collected specimens of “vascular plants, bryophytes, lichens, fungi and slime molds” from all over Iowa and meticulously cataloged them for us future generations. He loved the ecolocy of the prairie, and observed and reported the transitions of the Iowa prairie over a 50-year period. Additionally, he has two land snails named in his honor, Discus shimekii and Helicodiscus shimeki.

My elementary school, in Iowa City, was named for Dr. Shimek. It had a prairie at the edge of the playground. The playground also included what I remember as huge expanses of grass, though as an adult they might appear slightly less expansive (have you ever seen a toilet in an elementary school? They are tiny!). In one corner of the grass there was an asphalt kickball field, next to which was a bed of gravel, which I suspect was meant to cushion our falls as we hung upside-down from the parallel bars. The entire playground was surrounded by woods. We were told never to go in the woods at recess, and I don’t remember anyone ever trying to.

Yesterday I registered by son for Kindergarten at P.S. 8, Brooklyn, NYC. The playground does not have any prairie, woods, grass, gravel, parallel bars, or expanses. That doesn’t mean it isn’t an adequate playground.  My son just needs to be somewhere he can run really fast. It will be perfect for him. But I had a startling moment where I realized my children’s lives will not be the same as mine. Of course they won’t. My son will go look at art instead of look for animal tracks. He will ride the subway to field trips. He will learn about how they built the Brooklyn Bridge, the Empire State, and the Verrazano Narrows, a suspension bridge whose towers are farther apart at the top than at the bottom because of the curvature of the earth.

In my elementary school the fire department would burn the prairie every year, to encourage new growth. I think my son will learn this lesson, even though he might not see a prairie burn. And as for Bohumil, he watched his prairie shift and change, and over time was probably surprised once or twice at what he observed in the transition. Sort of like waking up one day and realizing you have drifted away from those prairies and snails, to Brooklyn, where your kids will run and play.

iRemote.

Tonight we discovered that the iPhone has an app that can change the TV channel, like a remote. We require this service, because our 1-year-old put the remote in some remote place (ha!) and she is sleeping so we can’t ask her about it. Also she can’t talk. I am tremendously thankful that my telephone offers this service. However, this got me thinking about how many other amazing problems it could solve, so here is a preliminary list of helpful things the iPhone needs to do in the future:

-Detect and kill head lice
-Identify the purpose of life
-Keep track of how many Girl Scout Cookies I have eaten
-Hand wash all the plastics that might contain BPA so I can’t put them in the dishwasher
-Test dish detergent for environmental toxins
-Improve bad breath
-Warn me of asteroids (does it already do this? Please someone tell me.)
-Similarly, warn me if a plane is about to crash anywhere near me
-Warn me if the plane I am on is about to crash (ideally I would not have to pay $7 for plane WiFi for this service)
-Wax eyebrows
-Test cakes for doneness
-Make crepes
-Predict when the spot I'm standing on will be underwater due to sea level rise
-Fold fitted sheets
-Something about my upper arms
-And, finally, find the remote

Seeking: Subway Strangers.

Sometimes you wish the internet really did reach everyone. Sometimes it can be used to find strangers, and tell them things. Like this:

You: A young guy who pulled me out of the Herald Square subway tracks when I fainted and fell in 2006. And also all the people who got together on the platform to pull me up. And then stayed with me until more official help arrived. And the woman who started screaming that I was in the tracks -- maybe it was because of you, anonymous woman, that people helped me out.

Me: The young woman in a green shirt who got a really great haircut and then fainted into the subway tracks. Who then quit a job she didn't like, had a family, and found a job she did like.

Thanks, You, for doing what you did. At the time I thought what you did was what anyone would do. Maybe that isn't true. I often forget and take you for granted. Sorry. Thanks. I hope all of you cheat death sometime. It's a gift. (Though I also hope you find true love and win the Powerball.)

(Here's an old essay about what happened.)

Be merry (you could be dead, or in Bellevue),

Katherine

Out of Transit.

Filth. I remember the filth. I noticed it just before I heard the woman screaming, “she’s in the tracks!” and thinking, thank god that’s not me, I always stand in the middle of the platform. But there is clearly more filth here, I think. I was lifted from behind and pulled up by a number of onlookers standing on the subway platform. I had fainted and fallen on the tracks; two men had jumped in to get me out.  People stayed with me, gave me water and washed my hands. No train came.

I had gone downtown to buy shoes. I broke my left hip and wrist. I had no idea at the time, in the ER, that my condition was so serious. I remember thinking, this has been quite stressful, maybe I will take a personal day on Monday. I spent two and a half weeks recovering at Bellevue. I couldn’t walk for a month. Until that time, I had been able-bodied, somewhat athletic, able to get around. And suddenly, due to the subway, I couldn’t get around at all. It was a mini-adventure in life, learning how to do everything with a wrist cast and wheelchair. Putting on shoes, getting in a chair, getting out of bed.

I fully recovered. One of the men who jumped in to help me checked on me in the hospital. I still think about him occasionally, though the memory of the accident wears with time. Yet I hope the reminder that I shouldn’t waste my life remains forever with me. And speaking of miracles, the shoes I bought somehow made it through the entire process, from the subway, to the ambulance, through Bellevue. I wore them to a wedding last weekend, but I took a cab.

2009

Apartment 16B

"Isn't she so cute? Yes she is so cute!"

"Ok, ok, a little less. Ooooh."

"OK support her head. There you go. Good!"

"OK don't pull on her head."

"You were little too! You were just like her!"

"No I don't think she likes pretzels."

"She's so little! Look at her little toes!"

"OK gentle."

"Please don't put your foot on her face."

"Don't you just love her?"

"Please don't sit on her. Gentle."

"Please don't give her pretzels."

"OK not on her face."

"Because she's just a baby."

"Seriously, don't sit on her."

"She's laughing! Isn't that so cute?"

"I don't think she likes that."

"Wait, don't pull on that."

"Well, because she isn't a drum."

"What did I say about the foot in the face?"

"No, don't put any part of your body on her face."

"Well is there any more poop in your butt?"

"OK wash your hands."

Yia Yia's Secrets REVEALED!

My grandmother has maintained for many years that her world-famous (well, at least in northeast Pennsylvania) chocolate chip cookie recipe is simply the recipe on the back of the Nestle's morsels bag, the only difference being that she mixes the dough more thoroughly. Or, in her words, "It's like making Greek pastries. Greek pastries are not some wham-bam affair."

So recently we made cookies together and yes, we DID in fact use the recipe on the back of the bag. I have posted Nestle's recipe here below (thanks Nestle). Please note Yia Yia's footnotes and parentheticals for best results:

Ingredients:

2 1/4 c. flour*
1 tsp. baking soda**
1 tsp. salt***
3/4 c. white sugar****
3/4 c. packed brown sugar^
2 eggs
1 c. butter or margarine^^
1 tsp. vanilla extract^^^
1 16 oz. bag of Nestle's morsels^*^



*Actually just add it until it feels right and you can make a ball.
**Baking powder
***Make it a half teaspoon
****More like 1 c.
^Slightly less than 1 c. Dark brown sugar.
^^Has to be Blue Bonnet
^^^Vanilla flavoring
^*^And whatever you have left over in the cabinet.

PREHEAT oven to 375 F. (But then once the cookies are in you put it down to 350.)

COMBINE flour, baking soda and salt in small bowl. (According to Yia Yia, "When I was young, I sifted.") Beat butter (Blue Bonnet), granulated sugar, brown sugar and vanilla extract in large mixer bowl until creamy. (Actually, beat just the Blue Bonnet until IT is creamy FIRST. This should take 20-30 minutes AT LEAST. Then add sugars and vanilla, and beat that for awhile. To save time, throw in a load of laundry while it's beating.) Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. (Just keep beating. Consider roasting a leg of lamb while it's beating.) Gradually beat in flour mixture. (Or mix it in by hand, until you can make a ball.) Stir in morsels and nuts. (Make sure to coat the chocolate chips with flour first.) Drop by rounded tablespoon onto ungreased baking sheets.

BAKE for 9 to 11 minutes or until golden brown. (12 minutes) Cool on baking sheets for 2 minutes; remove to wire racks to cool completely.

Enjoy!